Five years later….
Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of THAT day...(if you don't know what I'm talking about...."Hello, welcome to Earth. How's the weather on planet Zog?")..and I've been doing a bit of thinking...about what happened...and the coincidences involved...and about life and growing up and so on.
On Sept 11th 2001, I was at a funeral. We were paying our respects to my Uncle Neil, and I was going through an internal litany of thoughts and emotions while trying to appear strong for my Mum for various reasons...and in the "reception" afterwards, when everyone was sitting around chatting and raising a glass in that melancholy way of remembrance and sorting through our collective thoughts and memories, when my sister Ellie came through to say that someone had just crashed a plane into the World Trade Centre.
At that point it didnt really register. We thought she meant a small plane, like a private jet or something..and we had our minds, understandably elsewhere. Even when everyone started the process of leaving, having said all we could think of to say to each other under such circumstances (I find funerals to be very odd affairs, theres an element of finallity in them that jars with me, because the person isnt really gone as long as we remember them...and the gatherings afterwards reinforce that, because the primary topic is our memories of the person), we passed by a television that was showing the news, and this was before the second plane hit, it didnt seem...well...important. Tragic, shocking, a sad event, but not the world changing event that it turned out to be.
That was the weirdest car journey I ever had. Driving home from a funeral, listening in growing shock and bewilderment as the story of the most horrific terrorist attack that I know of unfolded. Surreal...yuh-huh. It struck me then that ole George didnt seem up to the task...when he made his first speech about it he kept going on about finding the "folks" (his word) that did it. It seemed like he was out of his depth. Oh...and he was already trying to blame Iraq at that point. I remember that very well.
Anyway. Jump forward five years. To Monday the 4th. Another funeral. The coincidence is that it was Uncle Neil's son, Paul. And let me just say that this guy was someone I have great respect for. In 1999 he was told he had to have a heart transplant or he'd die within weeks. He had the transplant. And he went on and made sure he had a full life, fathering a daughter and living every day to the full. He was a guy who said "get stuffed" to existence and turned a few weeks into six years.
Also, on 31 August, I turned 29. Woo. Hoo. And I know I'm not the same person as I was when I turned 28. Older...yes. Wiser...maybe. A lot has happened, I've learned a lot of things and re-affirmed some things and hopefully along the way I became a bit better at being me, and made me a bit better. And also I realised that I'm now a year closer to the stage where I don't have to make up excuses about why I dont want to go on a Club 18-30 holiday. And thats something to be thankful for, I think.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about age..and growing up. Admittedly some of this has taken the form of pondering about Iron Maiden's new album and the realisation that its not them that had gotten rubbish, it was my perception of them that hadn't grown up quite as fast as their music had. They're last album was still bad...(Dance of Death), but it wasnt terrible, and the new album is really good. Its because they're sound has matured, taken on new intricacies and developed.
What am I trying to say? I guess what I'm saying is that things change, sometimes in big ways, very suddenly...and sometimes in little bits over long periods. But whether the big sudden thing is like a terrorist attack, or a "You have two weeks" conversation, and no matter how strange or hurtful some of those little changes are..Life Goes On. It sort of has to. Its how it works.
We won't forget what happened on Sept 11th, 2001...and neither will I forget Uncle Neil, or my cousin Paul. Like the world did, I will absorb, reflect, hopefully understand...and develop. I'll stumble along the way, the way the world does, but thats okay...because in doing so I learn something new...and thats always worthwhile.
Windin’ your way down on Baker Street
Songs are amazing things. I mean that. Not just the lyrics, or the music, but they way they can instantly fill you with emotion and take your mind back to thoughts and memories as if you were reliving them over.
Thats why theres certain songs that, while they don't fit in with my usual musical taste at all, I will always treasure. Its why I like Simon & Garfunkel and Gerry Rafferty...because of the memories those songs are irrevocably linked to.
Baker Street. The Sound of Silence. The Boxer. Oxygene.
I hear these and I see, as if yesterday. Those songs will always be a trigger in my mind, a passage to something special. Even today...especially today.
I miss you Dad.
Sometimes you just have to say..”What the hell…..”
Okay...so random piece of news is that I went out with Patrick, Anita and the gang this evening (although it was really last night as its now 5.11 am...), and we went to this Tapas restaraunt called "Shaws" on Old Fleshmarket Close. Now its pretty much my limited understanding that Tapas is generally an Italian/Spanish sort of thing, so I went hunting for Chorizo and Halloumie and all the sorts of things I had last time we ate at a Tapas place. There wasn't a huge selection of that (although I DID get the Chorizo and hot damn it was good!), because they'ed split the menu into a list of about eight things per country/region, and then picked a whole bunch from all over the world. So in with Europe there were dishes from Asia, Africa and Australia and so on, all done Tapas style.
Then the waitress came and told us that they had managed to get some unusual items for their specials menu...
So I can happily tell you that Wildebeast is like very tender, juicy steak...Crocodile is like tender chicken but flakes like fishmeat...and rattlesnake has a gamey aftertaste but apart from that is like no meat I've ever tasted before.
Well....I didn't know when I would next get the chance...did I?
Id’s no laughing matter
Pardon the pun. I couldnt resist. Warning, this is a rant.
I hate my subconscious. Its a git. It pays no attention to what the conscious mind does or does not know, or what it believes. Facts are right out the window. The subconscious deals with maybes and what-ifs and has long, convoluted storylines concerning the tiniest of events that the consciousness would dismiss as unimportant.
Its driving me nuts.
I hate the fact that in the back of my head Im worrying about things that I KNOW I dont have to be worried about. I hate that my subconscious just wont leave them alone, and keeps chewing over them like a dog with a very large bone.
Bah.
I have enough things to worry about as it is, thanks.
And I'd like to get some fecking SLEEP at some point, please!!!!
Memery – the A-Z
Saw this posted on Kai's blog, thought I would do it to. For kicks.
A is for age: 27 (for another month and a half)
B is for beer of choice: Tiger Beer
C is for career right now: Office Monkey
D is for your dog’s name?: Rowan
E is for essential item you use everyday: My Bed
F is for favorite tv show at the moment: Dr Who. I dont tend to wathc tv much
G is for favorite game: World of Warcraft
H is for home town: Lanark, Scotland
I is for instruments you play: I dont, really. I used to play Piano and Violin...badly.
J is for favorite juice: Blood Orange. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
K is for whose butt you’d like to kick: George Bush...except I couldnt because that would be cruelty to a dumb animal
L is for last restaurant you ate at: East India Company in Lanark
M is for marriage: Can I skip this one please?
N is for your full name: Keith Foreman. Not very exciting. Some day soon im going to add Michael Ian to the middle...to honour my dad.
O is for overnight hospital stays: None for a very long time. When I was a kid tho...it wasnt so much overnight as over months...I had a lot of things wrong with me as a kid.
P is for people you were with today: So far...Akira, my flatmate
Q is for quote: "Despite the wisdom of defeat, I bare my heart for all to see...and the wonders have seen." - VNV Nation
R is for biggest regret: Not doing as well at Uni as I could have.
S is for status: ....Single....
T is for time you woke up today: I woke up 5 times today. Which one? My sleep pattern is a bit messy at present
V is for vegetable you love: I'll have you know I have a platonic relationship with vegetables
W is for worst habit: Being a lazy git
X is for x-rays you’ve had: I dont remember any...but im sure ive had a few when i was a kid
Y is for yummy food you ate today: Green & Blacks Chocolate with Butterscotch.
Z is for zodiac sign: Virgo
Staring at the ceiling aint as fun as it sounds
So...another 5am...another sleepless night. What fun. What rapture.
Annoyingly enough the list of things to do in this situation is smaller than it seems, because most of the things you can think of are "daytime" activities. Sleep, of course, is out of the question, because if you could sleep then you wouldn't be deliberating over what to do in the first place.
Reading a book is out at the moment, because I'm nearly finished the one I'm reading and I'd only be getting settled into "reading mode" when I run out of book. And Anyway the subject matter is pretty dark and not the sort of thing I want to be reading in the wee hours of the morning.
Playing World of Warcraft is also out, because the servers are down for their weekly maintenance just now, and anyway WoW is definately a "daytime" thing, even for me.
Watch a movie? Ah, but that then leads to the question of what to watch...I've rented Syriana, but that seems like a bit heavy going for 5am...
And of course, while you're agonising about "what to do", your mind swings round once more to all the things that are keeping you awake in the first place. At which point theres only one thing to do...
Write a blog post. Ho Hum.
“Getting a bit narked” or “They’ll never print this in The Herald”
Ok time out. Whats with all the bitching about England and the World Cup? I mean, really. Give it a rest, huh?
Lets see...if they're not moaning about the UK media coverage of the World Cup (missing the irony that all they are doing is adding to it....), they're whinging about the apparently scandalous suggestion that since we're in Britain, and England is part of Britain and also the only part that managed to get a team to qualify, then maybe we should give them a bit of support. Then theres the stustie that came about when someone complained about the frankly childish "any team but England" attitude, which would be considered racist if it were anyone but England...but is somehow supposed to be seen as "banter" because its England.
Gimme a break. Why is that we pride ourselves on being "the best small country in the world", yet when it comes to our neighbors South of the border we have an attitude thats stuck 400 years in the past? Doesnt anyone else think its ridiculous to blame the England football team for the actions of a bunch of English Kings who've been dead for quite a wee while now.
Grrr. It just seems that every time England does anything that its inhabitants think is worth celebrating that we have to put up with weeks of anti-English crap in our media here.
So England got into the World Cup. Whoop-de-doo. Its shouldnt be an excuse for people to let rip with more variations on "We hate England cos we watched Braveheart once." I'm sick of it. England is full of people who are pretty much like us, when you get down to it, but the way some people act you'd think that they're all mutant troglodytes or something. And its the ordinary joes who are on the recieving end of all this ire. The ordinary bloke in the pub who gets a pint glass in the face because hes English. The grievences that form the chip on our collective shoulders really has sod all to do with 99% of the English..its with the Governments that have been making the decisions...so why do so many people insist on blaming the whole country for the actions of just a few? Why does Scotland insist on defining itself by the worst parts of its history rather than its best?
This anti-Englishness isn't banter, its racism. Its not funny, its nasty. And it ill becomes us as a nation. We're better than this. Its about time we started acting like it.
Even Dr Who likes Tea
Im sitting here drinking a mondo-massive cup of good milky sugary tea. Why am i doing this at twenty to two in the afternoon? I just had a frickin needle stuck in my arm, thats why.
Damned blood tests. Damned needles. A pox on them I say..a pox!
It had to be done, but i hate needles. In fact, needles are up there with Ebola and the thought of a Fundamentalist Christian controling the worlds biggest nuclear stockpile, as one of those things which fills me with a cold shivery dread. Which is of course why so many movies and TV programs don't give any warning before they jab a needle into someone...in extreme close-up. Unless they are dragging the scene out for maximum discomfort. Go watch the Omen remake if you don't believe me.
They do it just to get at me, I tell you.
So im sitting here with a plaster on my arm feeling a bit ick cos of the needle, drinking my cuppa. The nurse said I should "go home and have a nice big cup of tea. It'll make you feel better."
She's right too. Even Dr Who needs a cuppa every now and then.
The first of many?
Could be. You never know.
This would, of course be the first post I've done for this here blog and I have to admit that it looks a bit rough here. So, I need to change my template...I'll get to that, don't worry.
Okay, so many thanks to the wonderful Kai for allowing me to use this blog, and for a whole host of other stuff, which includes here suggestion that I use a questionaire thingy as my first post. Its using the same questions that the Gaurdian newspaper used when interviewing Neil Gaiman. its a writer thing. Go with it.
1) What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Long sunny days with those I love and care for, with no worries or pressures. To love and to be loved in return.
2) What is your greatest fear.
That I might not be a good enough person for my friends when they need me, and that in the end I'll be alone.
3) Which living person do you most admire and why?
I'm not sure I can answer this one. I admire lots of people, for lots of reasons, and I don't generaly compare. So I'm can't tell who I admire the most. Lets just say that there are several of my friends who are better and kinder people than they allow themselves to believe, and I admire them more than any celebrity or world leader.
4) What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Theres a looooong list. I think at the moment it would be my inability to express myself properly to others. I sort of freeze up, and so things go unsaid that shouldn't, because I can'tfind the words to describe what I'm thinking. It means I end up not saying what I mean to say.
5) What is the trait you most deplore in others?
What really irks me is the habit of having to be better than everyone else. Oneupmanship The people who always have to go one better. If you've been cycling in Canada, they have to say they were being chased by a frickin bear while cycling in Canada. I dont get that attitude. It makes everything out to be some kind of contest, and life shouldnt be like that.
6)What has been your most embarrassing moment?
I dread to think. Theres been some whoppers, mostly due to "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. Um......next question? Ahem....
7) What vehicles do you own?
I have a Hardrock Mountain Bike, which is just fab. Other than that...I use my legs. I can drive, but I can't really justify a car right now.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Two-hour long baths with a good book and a glass of red. or a beer.
9) What is your most treasured possession?
I dont generally treasure possesions greatly, but gifts from other people, especially my friends, always mean more to me than stuff I buy myself.
10) Where would you like to live?
A house by a big lake or by the sea. But not too far from my friends.
11) What makes you depressed?
In no particular order....Body hate. Loneliness. The empty feeling of not being loved and not being able to love in return. The passage of time. The feeling that im not making my Mum proud, or that my Dad would be disappointed. Being away from my Dog. Endless questions without answers.
12) What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Sigh. Long list. Some things I wont be listing here, either.
My height. The skin condition on my hands that makes them disgusting. My weight (people tell me this is all in my head....but I still dont like it). My hair, because it never does what I tell it to, so I have to cut it really short to be happy with it. My eyes, because my eyesight is atrocious and I need stupidly thick specs to see with.
And other stuff.
13) Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Cmon, no-one is going to make a movie of my life.
14) What is your most unappealing habit?
I'm lazy.
15) What is your favourite smell?
The smell you get when you walk past a good curry-house. All the herbs and spices and cooking....its great.
16) What is your favourite word?
Woof
17) What is your favourite book?
I can never answer this one when it comes up. I like reading so much that its hard to tell. Is it the one i go back to time after time, or the one I only read occasionally so as not to spoil it? Havent a clue.
18) What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
I love the Highwayman look. Though that might just be because I like long coats.
19) Radiator or air conditioning?
This depends entirely on my mood. I like warm weather, but only if its sunny, otherwise I like to be cool, but not cold. Unless its a cold day outside, and its raining or snowing..then I like a cozy fire to snuggle up in front of.
20) Cat or dog?
Doggie!!!!! Without question. Cats are cute, but doggies are best. Collie doggies.
21) Is it better to give or to receive?
To give. Definately. I like it when other people are happy. I just have trouble being able to tell what they want, or of what I'm giving them is the right thing. I worry a lot about that, i guess.
22) What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I only feel guilty about pleasure if I feel im taking it without it being given or having earned it. When I'm getting something for nothing I feel a bit weird about it. Does that make sense?
23) To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
My Dad, because I always feel that he had such great expectations for me, though I never knew what they were, and that I think I've let him down somehow.
24) What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My friends.
25) Which living person do you most despise and why?
Hard question. George Bush and Phoney Tony are pretty close, because of the things they've done and the lies they tell, and their hypocrisy.
Despise is a pretty powerful term though. I dont think theres anyone that has angered me enough to earn my despite. Contempt, perhaps. If I ever come to dislike someone that much....they'll know about it.
26) Have you ever said “I love you†without meaning it?
Never. Those three words are laden with meaning and consequence. I do not use them lightly.
27) Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fair Enough. Cool Beans. Cool. And certain swear words. I swear far more than I should. Told you Im lazy.
28) What has been your biggest disappointment?
That I didnt do as well as I could have at University. That one is going to haunt me for the rest of my natural.
29) What is your greatest regret?
See the answer to the previous question.
30) When and where were you happiest?
This is a hard one to answer. I'm not sure, because differant things make me happy in differant ways. Like when we just got Rowan (the family doggie) and she was curled up asleep on my knee. Or when I come home to my Mums house and Rowan goes bananas when she sees me. When I'm with my friends and I know they're happy.
Theres something else too....but thats private.
31) How do you relax?
I go into the lounge and sit in the comfy chair, with the lights off, and listen to either "Fantasia on a Theme, by Thomis Tallis" (Vaughn Williams), or "Saint-Saens Organ Symphony no.3".
32) What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
To love and to be loved in return. In short, finding someone that I could be with, who I could make happy and who could make me happy.
33) What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Every time I do something that makes someone happy, even for a moment.
34) What keeps you awake at night?
Take a look at my answer to "What makes you depressed?"
Most of all, loneliness.
35) What song would you like played at your funeral?
"The Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel ((I dont think Black Metal would go down too well......))
36) How would you like to be remembered?
As a good and kind friend.
37) What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Keep fighting, because life keeps kicking you in the teeth, and you need to kick back.
But don't get too cocky, because its amazing the number of things you can end up being wrong about.