Silence in the…
...Library. A whole world made into a a place where pages gently rustle, where "Quiet Please" signs dominate...theres the smell of wood and paper and furniture polish. A library for every book ever written. Presumably it has a whole wing dedicated to Mills & Boon (preferably locked). It has inadequate lighting...like all Librarys the world over, how else could the shadows stalk the Doctor so easily, hmm?
I wonder if it has a section for things that haven't been written yet? Perhaps even blog posts?
I wonder this, because what you're reading (assuming anyone is reading this except phishing bots, so if you ARE a bot, HI!) is not the post I started writing, nor even the one I intended to write. In the end, the whole referance to that Doctor Who episode is fairly tangential. The problem being that the post I started became one I could never actually force my hand to glide the mouse over to the "publish" button for. It contained too much that I keep hidden. I'm a private person...guarded, you might say. There are things going on in my head that I can barely talk to anyone about, and some of those things I have only revealed to a tiny number of people who I can trust implicitly.
Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer. (I am in fact one of your Lizard Overlords, come from the fourth dimension to rule your pitiful planet and eat your pizza...oh, wait...that statement was for the meeting down at the docks).
What I'm saying is that I very rarely open up enough to really let people know what I'm thinking or feeling. And thats why I think I've never been much for blogging, and I don't like Facebook (one reason, anyway) and so on. I'm not good with just blurting stuff out, so when I sit to write its usually about something I want to say. Only sometimes theres things I want to say but can't, parts of me that I've become afraid to reveal.
And thats it. Fear. Fear of being judged, or laughed at, or generally hurt. As Captain Sheriden once said "if you stumble a lot, you tend to look at your feet". I look at my feet a LOT, if you get my meaning. And wanting to open up holds its own special fears. Fear of being seen as whiny, or self-pitying. Even looking back at what I've written here, I'm getting twinges of worry that you've already switched off, thought "oh, boo-hoo" and decided to go look for videos of dancing ninja hampsters on Youtube. Yeah, I'm having another whine, deal with it.
In the end, this is not the post I wanted to write. Because I can't write that one. The hands freeze, the fingers recoil from the keys, and the mouth is silent. The cork is back on the bottle.
On the bright side, somewhere out there a man is saving the universe in a blue box. Maybe not in this reality (although you never know...), but somewhere...
June 23rd, 2011 - 18:05
I KNEW you were one of the lizard people!
Seriously though, its not easy opening up, especially online. Even on twitter (and facebook) although I am relatively open I do keep a lot to myself.
June 23rd, 2011 - 20:23
I am not a Bot (or at least I wasn’t last time I checked).
You know you told me off once for not telling the truth when you asked me how I was. I think I was treating it as such a formulaic greeting that I forgot that sometimes, when among friends, they really do want to know. No matter how much it might sound like a sob story. And sometimes it’s good to get things of your chest.
I don’t think I’d do that over the Internet though.
June 25th, 2011 - 13:16
I don’t think I’m a bot (although I make no promises). It takes a lot to open yourself up to people online. I still only do that specifically with people I know personally and I’m close to. There are always things that don’t need to be – or just plain shouldn’t be – shared with strangers. It’s not easy to find that balance between putting yourself out there and keeping things close. I think I’m still trying to find that balance, too.
Oh, and stay away from my pizza.
June 29th, 2011 - 12:38
Knowing you as I do, I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think you should fear being judged. It’s difficult to explain, but if you hold back, because of that, you lose some of the ‘voice’ that you imbue to your writing, and when that happens it’s wrong in so many ways.
I stopped holding back (mostly) years ago. I did it by teaching myself to write as a pen name, by spending time with people who appreciated my work (including you) and finally, by giving myself over to the fact that you guys don’t care what I write as long as it’s good.
I’m lucky that I’ve got David, and I’ve got a world where, though it’s not perfect, I’m writing, and that’s the important thing. It’s the most important thing.
And if you’re really wanting that place to open up and chat, you can do what I did – set up a blog that is only accessible if you’re invited.