Silence in the…
...Library. A whole world made into a a place where pages gently rustle, where "Quiet Please" signs dominate...theres the smell of wood and paper and furniture polish. A library for every book ever written. Presumably it has a whole wing dedicated to Mills & Boon (preferably locked). It has inadequate lighting...like all Librarys the world over, how else could the shadows stalk the Doctor so easily, hmm?
I wonder if it has a section for things that haven't been written yet? Perhaps even blog posts?
I wonder this, because what you're reading (assuming anyone is reading this except phishing bots, so if you ARE a bot, HI!) is not the post I started writing, nor even the one I intended to write. In the end, the whole referance to that Doctor Who episode is fairly tangential. The problem being that the post I started became one I could never actually force my hand to glide the mouse over to the "publish" button for. It contained too much that I keep hidden. I'm a private person...guarded, you might say. There are things going on in my head that I can barely talk to anyone about, and some of those things I have only revealed to a tiny number of people who I can trust implicitly.
Don't worry, I'm not a serial killer. (I am in fact one of your Lizard Overlords, come from the fourth dimension to rule your pitiful planet and eat your pizza...oh, wait...that statement was for the meeting down at the docks).
What I'm saying is that I very rarely open up enough to really let people know what I'm thinking or feeling. And thats why I think I've never been much for blogging, and I don't like Facebook (one reason, anyway) and so on. I'm not good with just blurting stuff out, so when I sit to write its usually about something I want to say. Only sometimes theres things I want to say but can't, parts of me that I've become afraid to reveal.
And thats it. Fear. Fear of being judged, or laughed at, or generally hurt. As Captain Sheriden once said "if you stumble a lot, you tend to look at your feet". I look at my feet a LOT, if you get my meaning. And wanting to open up holds its own special fears. Fear of being seen as whiny, or self-pitying. Even looking back at what I've written here, I'm getting twinges of worry that you've already switched off, thought "oh, boo-hoo" and decided to go look for videos of dancing ninja hampsters on Youtube. Yeah, I'm having another whine, deal with it.
In the end, this is not the post I wanted to write. Because I can't write that one. The hands freeze, the fingers recoil from the keys, and the mouth is silent. The cork is back on the bottle.
On the bright side, somewhere out there a man is saving the universe in a blue box. Maybe not in this reality (although you never know...), but somewhere...
Yo-yo.
*sigh.
Warning:- this post is a whine. Im not happy, and im venting. You dont need to read it if you dont want to.
So, long story short, a few months ago "stuff" happened. I wont go into details.
Anyway. I thought I was handling it. Id gone through the period of wanting to hide, and wanting to scream, and generally feeling like the world was crashing in around me. I thought I was past all that now. Slowly moving on, so to speak. I'd taken a long-ish break from WoW to get some distance, and felt I was ready to start easing myself back in. It was that or quit, and I care too much about my friends in the Guild to just do that.
Thing is, its getting clear that im not actually handling it as well as I thought. I'm finding I spend a lot of time being uncomfortable or downright miserable. A lot of guild stuff is stirring things up in my head. And I dont know what to do about it.
Then theres my Nan. Lovely person though she is, she doesnt take a hint too well. And someone told her what had happened. So shes been phoning me up "offering" advice, and not listening to what im saying, which isnt helping either. Trying to explain to her what happened, and be polite about trying to get her to back off, isnt much fun. Shes nearly 90...
So all this is stirring up all those little paranoid things that I hate about myself, and im feeling kinda crappy about it. So um sort of up and down like a yo-yo at the moment.